Thursday, September 10, 2009

Your Hero Faints

This is how I've been feeling.

I've had a run of bad luck, health-wise. I recently said to Shiloh that the day I start talking about my "health problems" will be a bad day indeed.

But, facts are facts.

And, the fact is, I've had this rattling cough for who knows how long.

Let's get down to brass tacks. People are not nice to people with chest rattling coughs in public. Not that I blame them, that's just how it is. And you can only not take it personally for so long.

I've rested, I've taken days off work, I've laid on the couch and watched endless episodes of Murder, She Wrote. And your dirty looks aren't making it go away any faster.

And then, on Tuesday, I was poisoned by a hamburger. My sister, Annie, wondered if it was on purpose. It probably was. That hamburger was a thug.

Tuesday night it occurred to me that things felt, off, somehow.

Little did I know I was in for a very rough 24 hours.

It could be worse, I know. My pal Sara had her appendix out yesterday, and Shiloh spent the morning texting me the symptoms, in case I had it too. Sara and I did go camping together. Maybe it's more contagious than you all think.

The fact of the matter is, I think I'm going to have to change the way I see myself. I can no longer reflect on my many years of stalwart good health. I can no longer say about myself (as I have done, many, many times) that I have the constitution of an ox (seriously, I say it all the time).

No longer.

I now have to associate myself with large eyed, underfed, Dickens-type orphans, prone to consumption. Pale, corseted, 19th century women given to collapsing unexpectedly onto tufted couches.

Running shoes, goodbye. Smelling salts, hello.


  1. It's the Vapors!

    I'll give you the Doc's remedy for rattling coughs, and I'm begging you to try them. I'll send you a box of See's Candy if you do.

    1.) Onion pultice: Chop up an onion and wrap it in cheese cloth then place the whole thing in boiling water for 5 minutes. Then place the onions directly on your chest, cover them with the cheese cloth then tape cling wrap over the whole thing and leave it there for 3 hours.

    2.) Raw bacon strips placed directly on your chest.

  2. You've got to be kidding me.

    I'd be arrested.

  3. Sometimes (especially when we live in places where the air quality is not particularly great) a bad cold or a case of bronchitis will leave us as brand-new asthmatics. Happened to me in Utah in 1997. Has happened to two of my kids in the smoggy Central Valley of CA. I don't know if NY qualifies as a poor air quality location, but check with your doc. Hope you feel better soon.

  4. This is hilarious.

    I felt the same way when I gained 20 pounds over night and realized my metabolism changed and I wasn't a young-hard-body anymore.

    It rough when your body turns on you.

  5. My mom swears by the onion pultice, it is still how they treat a rattling cough in Southern Idaho. I'm sure she would make you one.

    The constitution of an ox huh? I have never thought of oxen as being exceptionally healthy, but true I have never heard of an ox that had a rattling cough. I just pictured you as different kind of an animal, like a zebra, or dolphin.